Monday, October 7, 2013

The past 2 weeks I have been caring for my Grandmother while my aunt was out of town. My Mema is 89 years old. She is a believer. She has dementia, which has taken most all of her short-term memory. You can tell her something and she forgets it literally a minute later. Sometimes she will forget mid-conversation. She knows who I am, but sometimes is fuzzy on my name. She will put back on dirty clothes, will go to shower and forget to wash her hair, brush teeth, etc. She struggles with incontinence, and the dementia makes it really almost impossible for her to deal with that in a sanitary manner. So, this sounds pretty depressing. But, I mentioned she is a believer, remember?

She is an absolute joy to be around. She is full of smiles, gratitude, grace, and laughter. She still loves children, and will try to hop down on the floor to play with mine. She does not complain, does not feel sorry for herself. As I stand at the stove cooking her breakfast she makes lively (if a little repetitive) conversation. "I am so blessed to have a Granddaughter like you." "God has blessed me with a wonderful family" "I am so grateful for every day I have" "It is a beautiful day today" "I just marvel at nature, how God created it". Whatever I cook for her is "delicious" and appreciated. Guys, this is Jesus. This is a person filled with the Spirit. She just spills it out of her heart at 89 years old when parts of her body and a good portion of her mind have failed her, God is still working through her and blessing me in a huge way. My Grandmother was a stay at home mom most of her life, but I can tell you she has lived out the gospel as best as any human can. Slow to anger, quick to listen, full of love, not afraid to apologize. Her identity is secure, even with dementia, she has set her heart on God. And He has given her the desires of her heart, just as He promises.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Facebook, the Joy Stealer, and what is going on in my heart

It started a few weeks ago. It was a Monday morning just mindlessly scrolling through facebook, and nearly every post on my newsfeed just straight up annoyed me. Pictures of people working out, post after post about someone's diet, or pictures of people's crafts, kids having fun, people just living. We had a lovely weekend. We had gone to the zoo, had a campfire with smore's, played and laughed, lived and enjoyed our weekend. It was all our little secret because none of it had been posted out there for the world to see. All of a sudden I felt this NEED to share what we had been doing too. Not because I wanted to share it, but because I wanted everyone to know that WE were doing stuff too, we were having fun, we were playing with our kids, we were doing special things. At some point facebook and instagram had become about keeping up with the Jones' for me. Not cool. I don't think my friends have this problem, but I do! It had reached a point for me that if I didn't post pictures or evidences of any activity my kids were involved in, it was like it didn't "count". What in the world was going on in my heart? All over stupid social media! So I decided to "unplug". Took the facebook ap off my phone. Another friend joined me and removed it from hers too. I just want to live, and enjoy my kids. I don't want every moment to be captured on facebook. I want them to be OUR moments. I don't like what has been going on in my heart. Annoyance at wonderful friends who are just sharing their lives on facebook, without any ulterior motives. My heart has turned their precious moments into an ugly attack. It is all too much for me. So I am taking a step back. And wow I have actually been using my bible app, reading devotionals, and just being "unplugged". But feeling "plugged in" for the first time in a while. So I never post on this blog. And I hope to post more. I just needed to reveal MY heart today. I am so thankful that God keeps working on me, that he loves me even when I am unlovable, jealous, insecure, and broken.